I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
They took my balls.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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