I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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