someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize