His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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