every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
high people should be assigned attendants
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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