I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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