I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
