she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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