I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize