My Higher Power is John Stamos
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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