Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
