Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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