I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
