How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
