So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
