I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
