it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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