I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize