Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize