Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
