I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
