I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
