a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
