I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
