you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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