So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize