The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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