k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
