Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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