Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Text me some of your sweat
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
