just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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