I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
