you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
