If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
