all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
