Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
