I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
