Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
