Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
