Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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