I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
