I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
