Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's official drugs can't kill me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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