I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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