So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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