He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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