they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
