You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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