if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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