I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
