Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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