I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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