one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
