chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
